Leaving Malta

Leaving Malta, my home, and all the expectations

11th October 2015

 

Sitting on the plane crying

Feeling the sadness of loss

The pang in my heart of moving from the last place my Mum ever stayed with me

She won’t again see my home, my house, my space and share it with me

The act of moving into the perfect house in the perfect place was a challenge on all levels for me

To commit to a relationship and a space that is shared when I’m fiercely independatn and terrified of getting vulnerable and putting all my eggs in one basket

My pattern since I was a teenager of not having a home or safe space playing out strong

And again faced on my return this year, the challenge to step through my stories and work hard to accept it was my home, truly, and unleash myself from my stories and empower myself to be there fully

Releasing it gives a realisation of the expectations, the hopes and the dependency on it I had placed

Not the four walls, but what it stood for

Stability, support, safety, home

My mums connection with it kept our connection deep,

Visions of her in her room and on the roof causing mischief

Her soft presence bringing me comfort as my memories would ring daily

The letting go of the expectations of what I had planned with me and Greta, with our relationship, with focussing on that as a reason to move through my stories and face myself deeper every day, that the dream I had is no longer, and it’s passing like letting go of a familiar pair of slippers that you’ve broken in and give you comfort.

 

Crying

Releasing

Feeling

 

That loneliness comes

Again no home

No stability

No safety

 

Then it comes through the releasing

That truth

The deeper sense through the tears

That this is just a beautiful flow

A lesson in releasing

In breathing

In knowing

Ever knowing

That I am never alone

That I am infinitely connected

And infinitely supported

 

I acknowledge my feelings

And allow the release of the old

Let my tears fall to let go of what was

Soft with myself, nurturing myself and sharing my journey

 

Life is ever challenging

But one thing I know

I am loved

We are one

I am not alone

 

Thank you

 

Now I’m going to eat my apple and snack and hold Greta’s hand softly as we journey together into whatever is ahead

 

Life is beautiful

Feel, love, live, be

 

Let the feelings flow and watch them fall away into love

 

Xxxxx

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