Letting Go Of Mum

Letting Go Of Mum

I just awoke from a dream
The tears still drying on my face
The dream was about the death of my mum
And about letting go
It goes a little something like this:

Mum was staying with us
I’m not sure if it was Malta or somewhere else
Definitely somewhere else
We were having a conversation and I mentioned something about my mum being a burden, being a hassle, I think I must have been frustrated
Because then I saw her beside me, with tears in her eyes.
I told her I didn’t mean it, it wasn’t my truth
But she left
Upset
When she didn’t return I went downstairs to look for her
Fearful that she had acted on her want to kill herself
A want she has been telling me all these years
I walked out onto the street
And onto the docks in front of the house
There on the wharf I saw an ambulance and a police car and my mum being carried out of the car by two police men
Still wet and dripping from having been in the sea
Shaking and locked into a tense physical position I knew and feared so much in my mum
One that means that she is on the edge of consciousness and fading
I could feel their urgency
There was shouting and a rush
She was alive
But barely
I felt the urgency build in me as I rushed towards the scene
She had never died
She is alive
I must make her warm
I must keep her alive
Someone help her
Quick get her in the ambulance
Resuscitate
Save her
Save her

I saw myself tearing aside her wet clothes
And throwing myself on top of her
To warm her
And stop her shivering
Someone would be able to bring her back
Bring her back to herself

Then as I held her
I remembered

How her life has been
All the pain
And the suffering
And that her want was to go
To leave
To be free
From all of this
And a surge of protection rose in me
I saw myself laying on her but keeping people away
Blocking the medics from their urgent need to prolong her life
Let her go
Let her go
Making her warm
Filling her with love
And care
And comfort
Protecting her from being brought back into the world that she has wanted to leave for years
Protecting her from her world of fear and feeling like she is a burden to everyone
Protecting her from her world of physical and mental pain she has battled with increasingly as the years have passed
Standing beside her deepest wish
To be set free
To be in peace
A wish I have failed to stand by in the past
A wish I have ignored as medical teams have come to her unconscious side
Me standing aside to watch them bring her back
The fear of losing her so great
I wrapped my warmth around her cold naked body
Holding her close
Laying beside her
Together with her
Filling her with love
And blessings to go
Letting go
Letting go
Letting go

And for the first time I understood
Whether she had killed herself or not
Whether she died a broken heart or not
Whether there was anything more I could have done or not
Whether an extra phone call would have changed anything or not
That this was what she had wanted
That this was her time
And that there is so much peace
So much calmness
So much deep stillness
So much love
Right there
In the letting go

No longer do I need to feel the need to fight for her to be alive
No longer do I need to feel guilty I didn’t do more
No longer do I need to wish that things were different
No longer do I need to feel sad that she has missed out on the rest of her life

Mum had been tired
And had wanted to be free
Free from her mind
And her physical pain
And in my letting go
The tears came
The love came
The peace came
And that indescribable feeling of deep silence
Deep connection
Deep love

That sense of knowing
That everything is divine
That this troubled physical battle
Is just a stage in our path
A space where we learn
And heal
And grow
Before we rejoin into love

And that in my letting go today
Will lead to me moving forward tomorrow
Fuller and stronger than ever before
But there is no rush
Today is about letting go

I awoke from the dream crying
Carrying with me the learning
Feeling her standing at the end of the bed quietly as Greta holds me
Feeling her hand on my leg
As mum did
A simple act
A healing touch
Enough to calm me
And a knowing that she’s always beside me
In my ever expanding world of interdimensional connectivity

She told me that all she wishes to be in her memory is her tree
That there is no need to have an altar for her
That there is no need to hold on to things she owned as momentos
That there is no need to treasure material things
Or preserve her house in her memory
That her tree is enough

And funnily enough I visited that tree this week
The one that she had planted with us at Christmas when she had come to stay with us
At the vortex, at a tree planting day
Where she fell into a ditch and we had laughed and helped her out
Where she had got so much mud on her shoes and trousers that she was cleaning them for days
Where she had spent ages choosing her tree and “having a word with it” in her beautiful, planet loving, soft caring way that I miss so much
And where she had felt loved
And part of something

And you know what
This week
It’s the biggest
And strongest tree in the field

But I guess you already knew that
Didn’t you mum

Thank you for the lessons dear universe, dear god, dear divine
Thank you for this process
This healing
This awakening into the realness of life
This awakening into the depth of it all
This awakening into everything that is
Thank you

I’m listening

X x x x x

I love you Mum

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