7 April at 02:30
Shit just got real. I’m all over the place. My world is full of unknowns. All of a sudden everything is on it’s head. I don’t know if I am coming or going. I don’t know where I am going to be in 2 weeks, 2 months. I might now be a homeowner or I might not. I might be in NZ in a week or 2 weeks. I might be in Malta in 2 weeks or a month. God knows where I will be in 3 months. My world has just lost its need to be in the UK long term to care for my Mum yet has just gained a large amount of “stuff” in the UK in its place and I have no clue what I am going to do about that yet. My relationship is wildly unknown, is it off, is it on, are you my best friend or my lover? Am I grieving my Mum and Nana enough? Am I really here or am I just being whisked along with legalities and logistics. Am I ok? Am I not ok? What is going on inside me truly? Am I in my truth? Am I still breathing? And what on earth do I do about the part of my heart that is still in NZ? I don’t know anything past the next minute. My head is all over the place and all I have is right NOW.
Death is a beautiful smack in the face for realness.
Authentic, lost in the moment, nothing else matters: realness.
Because in reality that’s all we ever have.
This experience has made me more PRESENT than I have ever been.
Mainly because I have no other choice.
Resistance is futile.
And just keep breathing.
“A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul.” ~ Jillian Michaels
“Make today a great soul day. Trust your soul to direct you today – it is always there and always rooting for you even when your mind may falter.” (Hint: “When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ~ Rumi)
For the next 24 hours, free yourself from your ego armour. The ego is not bad, it wants to protect us, like armour, but it often manages to do so in an unhealthy, often painful and inauthentic way. The ego is your self-image; it is your social mask; it is a role you are playing and it thrives on approval. The ego, however, is not who you really are… you are a soul. Today, allow your true essence to break through the ego armour recognising the deeper, soulful part of you. “Project Happiness.”
I am a big beautiful mess.
You can’t get more authentic than that.
Love you all.